I've Cheated With, I've Cheated On

This story will take a few days to complete. I'll try my best to keep this story as unbiased as possible. However keep in mind that you are only hearing my side of it. I will try to balance the story, or even weigh it more on the other side.

If you're someone that knows me, you know I've been cheated on twice. Both physically and emotionally. And although I held so much hatred and anger, I now understand a person's nature. Sometimes you're just not strong enough to do the right thing.

It all began on December 22nd, 2004. It was the day I first met Anita. She had a boyfriend, and I knew.

this is a terrible picture.

I wrote on the table with my finger the message, "You are beautiful... but I cannot say".

The next thing we know, we're calling each other and seeing each other. I tried a few times to stay away, but it didn't work. She even ran over my foot once when I told her I couldn't see her anymore. But it wasn't her fault. I initiated everything at the club. I started it all.

Although nothing was physical yet, it was already cheating. This is what I consider emotional cheating. At times, I believe that emotional cheating is much worse than physical because no matter how stupid someone may be to cheat physically, you'd still have their heart, and you'd leave with them in regret.

I remember having to hide this photo so that Jason couldn't see it. Heck, I remember deleting a lot of Xanga posts just so Jason couldn't see it. I had to make sure that I didn't get Anita in trouble with Jason.

I was lying on her bed one day and she got ontop of me. She came in very close. She kissed me. From that moment, I couldn't stop kissing her. We made out insanely all over the place. I ended up having a huge hickey on my neck, and when her parents came home, I had to pull my colar up to hide it. We officially cheated.

I didn't engage the physical contact, however I didn't stop it. The next thing we know, we're moving really quickly, and sex seemed like a daily thing.

However, good things came to an end very abruptly. Her relationship with Jason ended, and within 2 weeks, she sparked a new relationship with this person called Ben. I never knew about this. I knew about Ben, but she denied all my accusations.

After two weeks into her relationship with Ben, she finally admits it to me. However, Ben lived in Ontario. This was a long distance relationship inspired by her bestfriend, Tila, who had a long distance relationship with her, now living together, boyfriend. I thought it was ridiculous, and I knew it would blow over.

From that day, I knew what playing ground I was on, and I was talking to Serena about it. I told her that I would play Anita. However, that wasn't possible, because that simply isn't in my nature, and I ended up falling in love instead.

The relationship with her and Ben lasted for only 17 days. They broke up, and she was on my bed crying, while I was comforting her. I was angry inside, and also hurt. I wasn't sure how to react, but I knew I didn't have the power to be mean. I did what anyone would do. Hold her and tell her it'll be okay.

We then started to grow stronger together. I chose to forget about what happened and never brought it up again (until the end of summer).

We ended up getting together on April 22nd, 2005. She was officially my girlfriend. I'm not sure when exactly Jason knew we were together, but I'm sure he knew what was going on. Fortunately for him, Anita wrote everything in her diary, such as the day that we first kissed and how she made the move. If it weren't for her diary, I don't think he'd ever find out that she cheated.

As time went by however, we began to argue a lot. It was always about her lying to me. She always lied about seeing Jason. It was very odd because it never really bothered me that she saw him, although she always believed that I didn't like her seeing him. It really didn't matter to me. I mean, there's a major reason why Anita lost interest in him. He was missing a big factor in his life which was a career goal. This is something Anita always complained about to me.

The thing to keep in mind is that if you're going no where in life, it will turn a girl off. You have to remember that all girls are pretty fucked up. It simply won't work if you're fucked up too. You're confidence and strength has to be high enough to calm a girl down, because there's always that point in time (approximately once a month), that the girl will break down, and if you don't have your shit together, there's nothing you can do, because your basically just as fucked up as they are.

Trust began to be an issue. She always had full trust in me, however I couldn't trust her. There was a time when we went to Sonar, and the next day Serena tells me the following conversation she has with Ashley:

Ashley: "Isn't Anita going out with Jean-Francois?"
Serena: "Yes."
Ashley: "I saw her kissing another guy. I asked her who he was, and she said he was her ex."

The trust never replenished.

Fights began to be a daily routine, and it had a lot to do about useless things. In my opinion these fights began to drain the relationship to crap, but in Anita's opinion, she believed that fights are needed in relationships to make it stronger. She was wrong all the times that we fought, however her excuse was that she's a girl and she's suppose to win.

I always turned into a monster when we fought. I'd yell and swear like there's no tomorrow. I once yelled in her face and called her a "BITCH", and she stormed out of my car and walked from Kingsway & Joyce all the way to Boundary for her girlfriend to pick her up.

My temper was terrible. It was after that fight that I began to calm down during the summer. This was when she began to be impossible. This isn't being biased, she was really impossible, and she admitted it. She had this idea that she could be extremely impossible because of looking at the relationship with Carolyn and Mike. I admit that Carolyn and Mike share a very strong relationship. They're very good together. But this doesn't work for me. She was influenced that men should take all the girls shit, eat it up and apologize for their wrong doing.

I ended up being a little convinced. I learnt to apologize and realize that it didn't matter how stupid a girl can be, the guy should be setting things straight and apologize for things that aren't his fault. This dragged on all summer. I remember her telling me that she had the best time last summer, and all I remember was that during that time, my love for her started to drift.

My life began to revolve more around Anita, as I quit my night life to spend it over the phone with her and talk to her to sleep.

However, as time went by, I began to feel less and less appreciated. Fights were always started, but I always ended it. She always played around about leaving and letting go of the relationship, and I always had to "save" it as that's what she wanted to see.

I was struggling with money because we always ate out for both lunch and dinner, and we all know that food is the most expensive item in our lists of necessities. Sometimes I'd rather have a materialistic girl just because a material thing lasts and it's not a daily thing. As I was pretty tight on money, issues about money arose. I was supporting for two. I paid for her cell phone bills, I paid for all her food, I even gave her lunch money at times, and I paid for her transit to work (her reason was because I did not have a car at the moment).

Things started to completely fall apart when Anita had to leave for her New York trip. She had no money, and she made it very clear to me. She would hint to me that she needed help financially. She was smart, because she would never ask directly about it. And she also knew that I would help her out because I'm pretty weak when it comes to things like this.

I lent her $300 for her trip of a few days. She came back home with no money left. I didn't mind lending her money, but I sacrificed a few days of not eating because I took out all the money I had left for her trip.

However, lending the money wasn't the main issue. It was the entire process. The day before her trip was our monthiversary. She didn't do anything for our monthiversary. I got her a swarovski crystal duck, since she loved ducks. I didn't care what she got me, I just wanted something for her to show she cared. Maybe a drawing like she did last time? It didn't matter what it would be, I would have loved anything. We were at dinner in Olive Garden, and she asks me if she can get the money. I already had planned to give it to her. That sort of ruined the mood.

(the actual duck was a shouting one)

After when we got back home, her mom's yelling at her and asks, "What are you going to do with no money for your trip?". Anita yells back, "I've got money!". "Where did you get the money??". "I SAVED UP!!!"...... I was speechless. I guess I understand. It's a chinese thing. I just felt really unappreciated.

While she was on her trip, we talked on the phone once or twice. She asked me if I wanted anything, and in the back of my mind I was thinking, "that's like buying myself something". I said, "No, it's okay... I don't need anything". I know I'm a bastard to think that way, but I couldn't help it. Here I was spending as little money as possible because I had to survive with $20 for two weeks from my next pay cheque, while she was there spending the money without care. When she came back from her trip, she had no money left. I was wondering where the money went, because she didn't bring back very many things. A few fake Christian Dior bags, but that was practically it. I remember her saying how her sister lost money that her mom gave for emergency, and I started to wonder if it was actually the money I gave her that she lost.

It wasn't long after her trip to New York that she left for her cruise to Hawaii. I began to have suspicions that she was up to something. You see, if you know Anita, you know that she's a very open and flirty person. Always talking about her boobs, nipples, pune flaps (pussy), but always in a joking way. When she came back from the cruise, I noticed a lot of pictures with her and this guy called Will. Also, it doesn't aid to remember that she met Ben from a cruise (read the beginning if you don't know who Ben is).

It was pretty funny how a few days later, I'm at Aji Toro and Will shows up with his white friend (I forgot his name) and sits near our table. Of course Will doesn't know me, because Anita never really mentioned me.

Due to major complaints, this story has been fast forwarded.

A man that couldn't own up to his wrong doing. That was me. A fucken bastard. That's me also! It's funny how when you try to keep two people happy, you just end up making them cry. I'm not superman, so why did I try to be?

Two innocent victims. One asshole.

This is where the main story begins. A lot of terrible decisions and a lot of lies led to scarring people emotionally for life.

What is cheating? I believe just imagining what a relationship would be like with a specific person is already classified as cheating. I cheated the first day I went out with Flora.

gloria & flora

It all started on the first day of my TECH-100 class. I decided to take the course thinking it was an easy "A" bullshit course (that was a huge mistake). Well, actually, you can't really call it a mistake because if it weren't for that class, I would have never met Flora. The only person I initially knew in that class was Gloria. I was pretty loud in that class, always needed to have an input on something. I'm generally an annoying person, come to think of it.

So our class begins, and as I said, the only person I knew was Gloria. We were sitting in the middle talking about Mr. Mabasa. We had to fill out this stupid personality evaluation to find out if we were either an "Intuitor, Sensor, Feeler, or Innovator". We then had to split into different groups depending on those four groups I listed. I just happened to fall smack in the middle of all four. So I decided to be an Intuitor because I didn't want to be alone and at least Gloria would be in my group. This is where Gloria and I first met Flora.

We were all Intuitors, "we have a lot of great ideas but can't get the shit to work". We were to prepare some sort of skit to present to the class, however we ended up just having a bunch of ideas without execution. So I said, "let's improvise!".

So it's now our turn to present, and we all strut down to the front of the class with confidence. We were to pretend that we're City Hall, and we're discussing some bullshit problems and our ideas for repair. We're all talking about random crap, such as putting rockets on a skytrain for faster transportation with parachutes and all this stupid shit. We go around one by one so that everyone had their input, until we reached Flora. I notice she hadn't said anything throughout the presentation. She kept on freezing. So I ask her, "What's next on the agenda?" And she finally began to present.

It wasn't until a week later that I got to see her again. As I walked into the classroom, I noticed Gloria and Flora were already sitting down at the same table and I put my stuff beside Gloria to sit at that table. Since we were hungry we all decided to go to the dollar store to buy food. However, considering they only sold chips and candy, and we seeked for real food.

As we strolled around the foodcourt, we decided upon New York Fries. Flora didn't have any money, and I told her that I wouldn't have let her pay anyways. We got "the Works" to share, and brought it back to class. Gloria ends up telling me that I look like Paul Mabasa. "Damn, what a diss" (just kidding Paul). We were so loud in that class, always talking about random bullshit. We were told to pipe it down several times by our instructor.

Anyways, what I have just written is the setup of how Flora and I would begin. When I came home from class that day, I logged onto MSN and out pops a contact request from Flora. I was quite surprised. We ended up chatting for three hours straight that night. When Anita called that night (we always talk before we sleep), I ended up telling her that I needed to finish some things up because I was so involved in the conversation with Flora. I admit, I was definitely flirting online with her. Our conversation was quite random, one moment we're talking about how she'd make different animal sounds on the phone, and the next moment I'm talking about how I'm hairy all over, like an ape (she didn't believe me, she thought it was funny). She asked me if the girl in my MSN profile picture was my girlfriend. I told her she was. It didn't stop me from flirting with her though, even though I was reminded that I had a girlfriend.

I looked like an idiot on the computer with a huge smile on my face and laughing at everything because I found everything she said funny. Her conversations were much different than the conversations I've had with others. They were really warm. I felt drawn very drawn to her. She also made fun of how I talked so properly on MSN, always using proper punctuations (apostrophes, commas, periods). She thought it was cute and hillarious. I just didn't get what was so funny.

However, after that conversation, we didn't talk again for a week. This was to the fact that Flora didn't want to initiate anything since I had a girlfriend.

It was Tuesday September 27th, 2005 and Flora's online for the first time in a week, as we were both scurrying to finish up our posting assignment before the deadline. It was already pretty late when I finished, but I felt hungry and wanted to go out to eat. I asked her if she wanted to come out to eat, and she took a while to reply with a "sure". I told her that I was going to call her back first, because apparently there was food cooked at home. I ate, and went on MSN to ask her if she was ready for me to pick her up. Apparently she ate while I was eating as well, so that made things a bit pointless. She asks me if I still wanted to go out and I ask her, do you want to have dessert? She then tries to correct me that dessert is suppose to be spelt as "desert". I told her to check the dictionary and she's like, "omg, all this time I've been spelling it with one 's'".

Before I left, I called Anita and told her I was going to sleep. We always needed to end the night with a telephone call before we went to sleep. I lied to her, this was one of the first, besides the fact that I sometimes lied about going to the casino. Off I went to pick up Flora.

As I pulled up to the front of Flora's house, I noticed the light in her room turn off as she made her way down the stairs to come outside. I figured this was her room since it made sense. We drove out of the parkway and headed towards our destination, Death by Chocolate. We arrived there at around 12:30, and bumped into Cheryl and Richie leaving Death by Chocolate. Cheryl works there, so obviously if she's leaving, that means the restaurant is closed. I was shocked to find out that Richie and Flora knew each other. What a small world. Apparently she met up with Richie for "Detention 2" tickets earlier that month.

We then decide to head to downtown and find something that was open. As we drove past True Confections, we noticed that was closed as well. So much for the so-called nightlife in Vancouver. We begin to make our way through to Stanley Park to relax and sight see, while I sang along to my selection of old school slow jams.

I often drive around Stanley Park to get my mind off crap, and I never had much of a chance to do so with another because Anita could never stay out late.

As we're driving around the sea wall, we stop and stare at the city lights noticing how Canada Place stretches out all across the left side of the waters. It was a beautiful night, the sky was clear with the stars shining brightly. We continue driving and stop at the lighthouse. I look out at the huge "Q" that landmarks Lonsdale Quay. That's when Flora tells me that she use to live in North Vancouver. We didn't really do much talking. We just listened to music and admired the sightings. I never had anyone appreciate the moments as much as she did.

I looked like quite a fool singing along to all these sappy love songs that were playing in my car. We took the shortcut exit to go over the Lions Gate Bridge, and went to Boston Pizza for our dessert.

It sure felt like a date at this point. We ordered the Chocolate Explosion and the Chocolate Brownie Addiction.

Afterwards we cruised around for more sight seeing in North Vancouver, where she showed me her former house, school and a tour around her neighbourhood. She seemed so timid about singing, while I didn't care about making a fool out of myself. However, when the song "Angel of Mine" came on, she finally started to sing! It was so funny. From that moment on, she sang almost every song that played.

Our cruise around North Vancouver was followed by a cruise around Richmond for more sight seeing. We drove along the airport strip to see if we can spot the airplanes land, and she then brought me to a new place right above the big "Welcome to Vancouver" sign on your way to Vancouver from the airport. It was really nice, we drove up this huge hill to get on top of the sign, and looked out. I offered her my jacket because it was freezing cold. As I drove to the front of her house, she seemed in quite a hurry to leave. I asked her, "where's my hug?". She stuttered and said, "uh...", then quickly hugged me and left.

The next time we went out was a little different. I was at work late finishing up my projects and I message her on MSN asking her if she felt like bubble tea. Basically we had plans to go out when I got home. It was around 11PM when I came home, and I called her asking her if she still wanted bubble tea. This time she was actually hungry and wanted to eat. So I suggested we go eat Greek food. She seemed pretty excited, maybe it was just because she was going to get fed.

I was afraid that it might have been too late for to get Greek food, so I called to find out what time they closed. They said, 11:30! Shit, 30 minutes to go to deep Richmond, then all the way back down to downtown, plus parking. I ordered food anyways for pick up.

I rushed over to her house to pick her up and she was already prepared to go. Good stuff! We then sped down Granville St. to get to Stepho's Souvlaki Greek Taverna. We got there on time and took our huge Kalamari Dinner back to the car to share.

This is when the chemistry begins.

We needed to find a place to eat, and I figured the food would get too cold if we went all the way to Stanley Park to eat. So I let her guide the way and we went to a side parking on English Bay. As we're eating our steaming hot Kalamari, and feeling happy because we have food in our stomach, I decide to feed her some of the pita bread with Tzatziki sauce since she wasn't eating any of it (a few months later I find out she doesn't like eating bread). She was hesitating a bit before she took a small tiny bite. She thought it was kind of awkward that I was feeding her because I had a girlfriend, and usually you don't feed someone that you're not that intimate with.

She began to have a bit of concern, as she asked me whether Anita knew I was out with her. Anita never knew. Of course she wouldn't. She got upset when I use to hang out with the guys, let alone a girl? I told Flora that Anita thought I was sleeping. See, the thing is, with Anita, she had complete trust in me. And when you have someone's complete trust, it's really easy to lie to them and have them believe you. The fact that Anita had so much trust in me made me feel guilty, but it didn't stop me from seeing Flora.

Flora said something that confused me for a bit. She thanked me and told me that she now knows what she wants in a guy. I didn't know too much about her past, but the words she spoke made me smile. I never had anyone appreciate me as much as she did even though this was only the second time we went out. It felt really nice.

The weather was beautiful that night. The sky was clear once again, and the temperature was just right. I wanted to surprise her with a bon-fire. I didn't want to let her know what my intentions were and what we were doing. She kept asking where we were going and I kept telling her "don't worry". We went to the 7-11 on No. 3 Rd, and she still had no idea what was going on yet. This was going to be the first time I had a bon-fire with only one other. Usually I'd have bon-fires in a group, and we'd roast up some marshmallows and cheese filled sausages, but in this case, it was to end a perfect night with something memorable. I strolled around 7-11 trying to find a firestarter log while she disappeared somewhere. I made my way to the cashier, and there she was, right behind me sucking out of her slurpee. She had this weird confused "uh.." look when she saw the log. Come to think of it, there's never a day when she doesn't have that look. Anyways, I wouldn't let her pay for her own slurpee.

We quickly arrived to the destination, Gary's Point (in Steveston). It's about a 10 minute hike to get to the bon-fire pit, but it seemed like only half a minute when hiking with her. I put my jacket on her, since it began to get a bit chilly and we searched for more wood to build our fire. Gary's Point is a beach/park combined together with logs washed up to its shore, so there was plenty of wood to gather. I held onto her hand, my excuse being that she could easily trip over these logs.

I lighted the firestarter log and built a decently large fire. We sat on a big log and listened to the wood crackle as we watched the fire grow bigger. I put my arm around her and held her close. She was shivering. When the fire grew to its full size, it finally got really warm, however we still remained close. She had her head on my shoulder as I had my arm wrapped around her side and my forehead on the top of her head.

At this point, it felt like Anita didn't exist. It felt like a completely different moment, where the world just paused for a second and the only thing that remained living in the world was just Flora and I.

I looked into her eyes, and I had a strange feeling. I could see that she wanted to say something. I asked her what was wrong. She repeated to me what she said at English Bay. I had suspicions of what she was intending to say, as I sort of felt the feelings with her. Again, I told her not to worry. She then looked at me directly with that sad look in her eyes and said, "I don't think I should see you anymore". I asked her, "why?". She replied, "I think I'm falling for you".

Me: "Don't worry..."
Flora: "Well... What about you?"

I felt the same way.

Me: "You know I can't say anything..."

I took her in my arms, and hugged her tightly. I could feel the warmth of the fire on my left cheek as I'm facing her with both of our heads slightly leaned in opposite directions as though we were prepared to kiss. Everything slowed down. The water that use to splash along the shore stopped, the fire that crackled went silent. Both of our eyes were closed, however, I could still sense her presence. I didn't need my eyes at that time, I could see everything clearly behind my eyelids. As her breathe silked around my skin, it felt warmer and warmer. Our nose touched. My lips parted.

Suddenly Jay Chou was singing!

Flora: "Oh Shit! Be quiet..."

She picks up the phone and speaks to her mom in Chinese. After she hangs up, we both look at each other and smile. She tells me that she thinks she has to go. We get up and I'm holding her again in my arms. She looks away from me.

Me: "Hey, why's your face turned? Look at me."
Flora: "I can't..."
Me: "Why? Don't be silly, just look at me."

She slowly raises her head to look at me. We both move in closer and we stare at each other as our lips graze. I close my eyes as I could feel her soft lips planted against mine. As I taste her kiss, my hand moves up to caress her face. We wanted to savour that kiss for as long as possible. The whole world slowed down once again, except this time we could feel each other's heart beat match as one. There was nothing more perfect.

We began our walk back down the trail to the car hand in hand. The fire was still going. It's not that I forgot to kill it. It was in a well contained area and I didn't want to get the car dirty with my shoes filled with sand after putting the fire out. Also it looked pretty nice seeing the light of the fire shine all the way past us while we walked away. I took a few glances back here and there to see the fire get smaller and smaller as we walked further away. Eventually it appeared as a little speck as we approached closer to the car.

While we drive down No. 1 Rd and approach the street she lives on, she points and tells me to continue going straight. Obviously I have no idea where we're going since the only place I know of Richmond is where the nightmarket is. I continue driving down to the end of the road and take a left on River Road. We park on the gravel near the end, and it was absolutely gorgeous. Across the river you could see the lights that guide the airplanes down the runway, and all the planes rolling around to prepare for take off.

It was really amazing. The feeling I felt for Flora would have taken months with anyone else. At that moment I felt no doubts. I told her to look at me again, and we kissed. It was like a cue. "Look at me..." And we'd be hypnotized into kissing. Our kisses turned more passionate as our lips kissed harder. I was fully leaned onto her side of the seat, and breathing was no longer in effect. It was the best half hour of my life.

Things grew silent while I was driving her back home. We were both thinking. We were both staring off in the distance wondering what's next, what's going to happen. As I slowed down to park in front of her white picket fences at the front of her house, she turns to me with her big eyes and asks me, "do you do this with everyone?".

Me: "What!?"

That came out of nowhere. I sure as hell was shocked. She thought I was some player!

Flora: "Oh... Nevermind"

I could see her begin to blush. She gave me a hug and she went inside. On my drive back home, I replayed the entire scenario out in my mind. I was still happily hung over from everything, except the ending seemed a little weird. I was wondering why she asked if I do that with everyone. What was that suppose to mean?

I began to remember I had a girlfriend. "Fuck..." At this moment, I didn't know what to do. I kept thinking in my head... "FUCK. FUCK. FUCK." A bunch of questions popped into my mind.

Should I tell Anita?
What the fuck should I do?
Does Flora consider me as something serious?
Does she really feel the same way I do?
Does she want more?
How am I going to tell Anita?

I wasn't going to tell Anita. I had no balls. I didn't want to hurt her. Especially when she was having such a tough time from her mom about school and piano. But whatever, this wasn't an excuse. I couldn't own up. I chose to run away from the problem. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I knew there was a greater feeling for Flora than Anita, but I couldn't be a man about it and tell her the truth.

I stare at my phone. I grab it, and flip it open. 6-0-4... Who should I call? I close my phone. I take a deep breath. I pick up the phone and call Flora. The phone rings as I start to feel uneasy. I hear her voice, and my fears disappear. I felt so welcomed. It felt right. I forgot everything. There were no doubts.

Flora: "So... What's up?......"

I could just picture that confused look she always has right then.

Morning breaks, the sun shines through the blinds, the fucken seagulls won't keep their fucken beaks shut. I look at the time on my phone. "Damnit... I'm late for school again." I jump out of bed, and then it hits me. I cheated on Anita.

I receive a text message from Anita on  my way out the door, "Good Morning!". It really wouldn't be a good morning if she knew what happened. I called her on my way to school, as it's a routine that we have to meet for lunch during my school/work. Today would have been no different. I felt really paranoid during the first minute of the conversation. Always taking deep breaths and sighing because I had something on my chest to tell her, but I just couldn't.

When she met up with me for lunch, I could feel all the tension building up. I had a hard time looking at her. We walked around Central City Mall, to kill time before we ate.

Anita: "Why aren't you holding my hand?"

I think to myself, "oh yeah". I slide my hands out of my pocket and hold her hand, at the same time I look around with fear that Flora would be around. Shit, I'm an asshole. I'm now the actual 2-timing fucker. What the fuck am I doing? I felt like I couldn't breathe. I needed my space away from Anita, but how could I possibly ask that?

Me: "I'm sorry..."
Anita: "Huh? For what?"

Me: "I don't know."

We walked around to end up at the food court and got a subway sandwich to share. After she ate, she rushed off to catch her bus for school. I was relieved. That felt very difficult. I didn't think I could carry on like this for long.

You'll soon see how my life turned extremely stressful just for the point of covering my ass up. Looking back now, it all seems so pathetic that I couldn't have just been a man about it, but at that moment, it didn't make sense for me to hurt Anita when it was my own wrong doing. I thought many times, how is it fair there would be one person that would hurt, and it was either Flora or Anita, yet when I'm the one that's a fucken dick, I'm clear from all the pain. However, me being clear from the pain was far from true. The pain that I've caused in both of their lives, reflects to my own pain. I wasn't feeling for myself anymore. I wasn't feeling for one. I was feeling both pains combined. There are many people that think that having two girls is like heaven, but if you were actually put into that position and thought that, you would require to not have a heart.

This sure wasn't going to be easy. Flora finally arrived to school. As she was sitting in front of a computer in the open lab, I walked towards her while wondering if things would awkward when I got near. I began to collect all these thoughts, creating scenarios of the different she ways would react. Thought after thought after thought, kept arising by the speed of my every step. I bit the bullet and went straight in for a hug. She said, "Hi", and went back to her daily Friendster surfing...

My Thoughts: "Uhhh.......... okay...."
Me: "I just saw Anita"
Flora: "Oh... okay"

That was amazing. She didn't mind? I was prepared for some sort of "hell break loose" kind of reaction. But nope. She wasn't like that at all. She completely understood my position, and I felt so gracious for that. I've never had that in a woman. Girls never understand. They have their own logic, and you can never convince them of anything otherwise. Flora never failed to amaze me everyday. I sat beside her and we talked about who we thought was good looking on Friendster. I then had this sudden urge to just kiss her but resisted.

She then gets an MSN message from Elaine, with the answers to the in-class lab assignment. Off she went to her lab, and in one minute, she's done. I thought to myself, "that's a fucken good system!". Of course, that sort of thing would only work for girls, since obviously the answers would have came from a guy that gets suckered by a girl to send her his answers. She was now done school for the day. We walk out of the campus to go to her car. I didn't like the idea of her driving me at first, because I always feel like less of a man when I'm not driving.

Anyways, we're now heading to Richmond for bubble tea at Edge. On the drive, she tells me her background history with her family and how it's been rather difficult. She thought I wasn't listening, but I was fully attentive. Just hearing her story made me realize how more real she was compared to Anita. She knew what the world consisted of. She knew how life ain't as easy as living in a hotel. I felt that urge to kiss her again, however I resisted. I know I've probably said this several times, however she was much different than any of my ex-girlfriends. My ex-girlfriends were so protected and pampered, that if they were stranded somewhere in Vancouver, they'd curl up in a ball and hide.

When we got to Edge, we ordered our drinks and played cards. Mango Milk Tea with pearls was her order, and what she would later order 90% of the time whenever we went for bubble tea. We stared at each other quite often. And as usual, she'd have her "whhhaaattt....?" confused look. We left as soon as we finished our drinks, and walked towards her car until I pulled her into a hidden area. Her breathing went deeper as we stared into each other's eyes. I took another step closer, as my chest made contact with her breast. She looked up at me. There was no slow motion. We dove straight into a passionate kiss. It was fierce. As though I've just come back from war and haven't seen each other for years. My left arm held her tightly around her back as my right hand twined through her hair behind the back of her head. We would stumble around while one kiss seemed to last an eternity. It was the one moment in time where it didn't matter if we had to breathe or not, we'd hold onto it until the moment phases. However, the moment didn't phase. The janitor pulls his buggy around. We finally released. I guess something had to stop us from suffocating. We smiled and laughed quietly among ourselves.

She dropped me home, and I came back out in the evening, and to pick her up in my own car. I really can't stand being driven around. I feel naked when I don't have control over things. On my way to her house, Anita calls to check up on me. I turned off my music and refrained from my acceleration so she couldn't hear I was driving.

"I really need to focus on my work tonight. I'm so far behind, I don't think I should be talking to anyone."

She was happy that I was finally focussing on my tasks. Little did she know that it was quite opposite of that. It was far too easy. However, the guilt wasn't there. Maybe it was because I got use to lying to her? Or maybe I was just so numb as to what was going on.

I picked up Flora, and we went to Rogers Video to rent a movie. Our plan was to head back to SFU Surrey late at night and use one of those huge projectors to watch the movie. It would have been our mini-theatre without the popcorn. She decided on some Japanese thriller movie called "Cellphone". The cover looked pretty interesting, since there was a bit of nudity on the backside. We figured it shouldn't be disappointing.

When we made it to SFU Surrey, all the entrances to the upstairs campus parking was closed off. I had to drive the car up the exit only ramp in order to get inside. It was around 1AM at the time we entered the campus. The security guard had just left probably half an hour before then. The only people that were left on campus were the night shift janitors that go around every room to clean.

Flora and I went through every room, trying to find the best one to watch the movie in. We considered everything from the size of the screen, the set of surround sound speakers, and which room the janitor had already cleaned so that we wouldn't be interrupted during the middle of our movie. We started off in this one room, and then noticed that the garbage wasn't thrown out yet, so we figured that the janitor would be bound to crash into our room, with the possibility of catching us being intimate. We walked around more and we couldn't find a room that was cleaned up yet, so we decided "Fuck It!", let's just use this room.

I set up the movie on the huge projector screen with the nice surround sound. There weren't any comfy seats or couches, so she lied on top of me as I lied flat on the table. It would have probably looked very awkward in third person, but Flora seemed comfortable. I, on the other hand, struggled to keep my neck turned towards the screen to watch the movie.

The movie was playing, but we both paid little attention to it. I just focussed on the warmth that exhibited off her body. Her cheeks layed ontop of mine. So soft, smooth and cold like jelly. I notice myself holding on to her tighter, as she started to relax and let out all the tension in her body. Her head was weighted against mine, and I stared into her eyes while she paid attention to the movie. I gave her a small kiss.

The movie started to become stupid. We both started to get tired of it and paid less and less attention to it, and more on ourselves. One thing I learned, never let a woman choose the movie. It was fucken retarded. I can't believe Japanese people think they can scare us with a "You're going to die" text message on the cell phone. Fucken stupid.

The janitor opens the door. "Oh sorry". He takes the trash and leaves. Why is it always a janitor? They just love popping out of no where. Anyways, we decide to forget about this movie since it was just pure shit. We walked to the student lounge and into a little private room, where the janitors were far from. It was all isolated, perfect for just her and I.

We shut the door, and turned off all the lights. Everything was pure black. You couldn't see anything at all. The myth was right that when one sense is gone, the others are heightened. The room felt cold. Her body was shaking. I let the warm air from my mouth surround her neck as I smelled her all around. There wasn't any kissing. It was all smelling. All breathing. All feelings.

Our lips grazed, but never kissed. Our eyes closed as our noses moved along the curvature of each other's faces without touching the skin. Instinct you may call it. The feeling of something new, even though we've explored each other before.

My nose explored downwards until it reached the bottom of her shirt. I lifted her shirt and breathed out warm air around her belly button. I put my lips on her stomach, and kissed it gently. Her body began to lift up as her breathing got louder.

When I brought her home, she asked me, "What are we?". I didn't know what to say. I was so caught up in her, that I forgot about our situation. Things are really messed up. I didn't want to think about it.

Me: "I don't know... I need sometime, I don't know what to do..."

At this moment, I was afraid that she would leave me. I can't believe I'm doing this to her. Asking her for some time? What the fuck am I thinking. I'm stuck in a pretty fucked up dilemma.

Flora: "Okay"

She understood. What a trooper. She was so strong about this. I admired how she dealt with this entire situation. I couldn't believe she would wait for me. I knew right then what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I told myself to not have her wait for too long. However, I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew that I wanted to be hers. But I also didn't want to break Anita's heart. How do I to tell Anita that I'm falling in love?

I wanted everyone to be happy. But how would that have been possible?

A new day starts, it's saturday, and it's now back to reality. Anita still had no idea what was going on. The weekends are the days Anita comes down from Surrey to Vancouver for work, and I would always catch her bus on her way down to escort her to work. However, today was going to be different. I was way too exhausted from practically staying up all night with Flora. I missed 2 of Anita's call in the morning, and when I picked up her third call...

Anita: "What time did you sleep last night?"
Me: "I don't know... 4-5?"
Anita: "You work so hard... I'm proud of you..."

I paused. A quiet sigh.

Me: "I'm sorry, I don't think I can catch your bus today..."
Anita: "Don't worry! You should sleep more. I can take care of myself."

We got off the phone, and I got myself more sleep. She was to work till the evening, but I went to her work about an hour early to get her bubble tea to drink. She had a surprise for me when I got there too. She got me those Chinese bakery from Anna's Cake Shop, all sitting nicely in a box waiting for me. I know it doesn't seem much, but it really made my day. It's very rare that she's done anything like that for me. I guess it was because she got money from her student loan that she started to 'spoil' me now.

Me: "Don't use up your student loan. You really should save it up."

Something was really different about Anita that day. She seemed very supportive about me "working hard". She was very selfless, and caring. I now started to feel the paranoia. Did she know something was going on? That's not possible, there's no way she would have known about anything.

I walked out of her work place, "Oakridge Music Studio". I had an hour to kill. I decided to call Flora, and she was heading out to meet with Elaine and some guy called Albert. Apparently Elaine was intending on hooking the two of them together. We get off the phone and I pace around outside near Anita's work.

I didn't know what to do. I tried calling my god sister Melissa, but she didn't pick up. She never picks up when it's important! I then call Paul.

Paul: "Hi hunny"
My thoughts: "WTF..."

Me: "Ha ha ha, hey wat's up?"

I spill my entire story to Paul. He already knows first hand how things have been with Anita and I. I told him that I've been seeing Flora behind Anita's back and that I'm afraid that I'm growing more and more feelings for Flora everyday I spend with her.

Paul: "Oh shiet........ So when are you seeing your mistress again?"
Me: "LOL, she's not a mistress Paul."

I knew he wouldn't have been able to provide me with any solution, but I could always trust in him for some comical relief. It felt a lot better telling someone about all this, even though he was more interested in what happened and what Flora looks like.

Paul: "Pics Pics Pics!"

Anita finally got off work. We went to go eat dinner and then went back to my place to grab my car to head to Surrey (her house). We needed to take care of the kids (her sisters and hamster). We held hands the entire day, however things didn't feel the same. My hand felt out of place. On the way to her house, I received a text message from Flora.

Flora: I have to go watch a movie tonight with Albert. I'll call you when it's over.

Anita: "Who's that?"
Me: "Hmm? That was Woojin. He wanted to know what work I had for him to do."

I didn't think too much of that text message. Normally my mode would change into "psycho possessive" stealth, however it wasn't the case here. It wasn't because I had Anita. It was because I knew how deeply Flora felt for me. I wasn't insecure. I wasn't worried. Just remembering her eyes, I could tell that she's waiting for me, that she's open for only me.

My mind starts to drift somewhere else while I was driving down the #1 highway. I wasn't paying too much attention to what Anita was saying. It was really weird how it seemed like all my feelings disappeared for Anita. I stared at her for a minute while still driving (I'm pretty good at doing the stare and drive by the way), and I asked myself, "what happened to us?". "Why did it become this way?". "Nobody said it would be this hard."

Her voice became silent as we were approaching the Portman bridge to Surrey. Sad songs began to play through the radio. I began to remember. I began to remember the good times. I began to remember the silly times when our love was so young and pure. Even though the pureness of our love that we shared was very short, it was enough to reminisce. She squeezed my hand tighter, and smiled as the sun was setting behind us.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I was running in circles, chasing our tails. When we made it to her house, everything felt warm. I calmed down. As she ran off to get the kids, my eyes started to water. I went to the washroom to wash my face. Things are so fucked up. There's so much history. So much that we've been through. So much that we've conquered. How could I just turn my back on it all?

As soon as her parents left the house, we took the kids out for bubble tea, and came back to her house to watch “Finding Nemo”. Anita seemed so happy. I guess you can say that ignorance is bliss. She’d have her head cuddled up along my arm, clueless to what was really going on. She was probably thinking how perfect things were, as I was thinking the complete opposite. The movie reached the end, and the kids went upstairs to brush their teeth. Emily came back down with her toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste.

Emily: “Can you help me?”

I squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush. And she ran back upstairs. Anita and I followed after, and tucked the kids in bed, leaving them a kiss on their foreheads.

It was now time to spend our attention on Baby (our baby dwarf hamster). I started to long for Flora. I wondered how she was doing. Did she miss me? I wanted to step aside to give her a call, but I never had an opportunity. I started to get that anxious feeling where your legs seem to jitter with impatience.

SPLAT!

Anita: “Oh my God!”

(Anita and our 2nd baby asleep at Metro)

I look down to see the hamster running around on the ground. It just fell down from the table that we had placed it on. We both scrambled to grab it, and put it back into the cage.

Me: “I think I should go.”

I couldn’t wait any longer.

Anita: “What the fuck! Why do you need to go?”

Anita looked completely furious. But who wouldn't be in this situation? We just finished taking care of the kids, and it was finally our time alone. I told her I was extremely tired, and wanted to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Anita: "Fine! Just go then..."

Me: "Anita, don't be like that."

Anita: "Whatever. Just go."

I didn't leave so soon. I stayed longer, and we went upstairs to just lie side by side on her bed. It wasn't until her parents came back home that I left.

As soon as I left her house, I got into the car and headed out to Richmond. I called Flora and she was home for a while now from after watching the movie. The drive seemed to drag on so long, as my patience grew small. As I drove down the dark highway, I was on the phone with Flora telling her that I was on my way to pick her up.

She seemed a little reluctant to come out. I could feel it in her voice that she felt a bit upset. Put yourself in her position though. It must be very difficult to have to wait for someone you like spend time with their girlfriend. I felt sorry, however I kept confident and tried to make her laugh.

I pulled into her cul-de-sac where she would make her way to my car from her gates. I drove down towards Vancouver, and things were quite silent. We both had questions. She was wondering what Anita and I did, and I wondered how things were with her and Albert. We kept on glancing at one another at different time intervals. It was serious at first, and then we started to grin a little bit because we realized that we were being a little bit stupid.

Me: "WHAT!?" (joking way)

Flora: "So what did you and Anita do?"

Me: "How was the movie??"

Flora: "I asked you first!"

Me: "It doesn't matter. Answer me first!"

No one said anything. We were both stubborn. Stupidly stubborn.

Me: "We watched Finding Nemo."

Flora: "Oh.. okay"

I wasn't sure if she was jealous. She didn't sound like she was. Heck, it seemed as though she didn't really care. We stopped looking at each other and continued driving. We passed the Arthur Laing Bridge, down Granville St., and turned off to go to Main St.

Me: "So how was the movie?"

Flora: "Uh.. It was okay."

I noticed she didn't really want to talk about it. I took a left into Science World and parked the car.

My phone started to ring. It was Anita.

Me: "Hold on, Anita's calling."

Me: "Hello?"

Anita: "Where are you?"

Me: "I'm home."

Anita: "Why didn't you call me?"

Me: "My parents are bitching... Shit, I got to go, they're coming in..."

Anita: "Okay.."

I hung up the phone. That was something different, and unexpected. I completely forgot that she would call. I lied to Anita right in front of Flora. I wondered how she would take that. If she were smart, she would now know the potentials I have in lying.

She pretended as if Anita didn't even call.

Me: "Come on, let's go."

I opened my door and walked around to open hers. Upon walking towards the big Science World globe, a car drives in coming in pretty damn quickly. The side had those security looking decals. It stopped and flashed their lights.

Me: "Stay here..."

I walked towards the car, and while I got closer, I began to make out what the driver was wearing. It was another fucking janitor! I walked back to Flora. The janitor must have thought I was really weird walking towards him and turning around walking back towards Flora.

We made our way around Science World, and peaked along the fence to watch the water roll in against the wall. Flora looked a bit distant. I felt there was something wrong. The way she sighed, and the look in her eyes. There was definitely something troubling her.

Flora: "I don't think we should do this."

Me: "Do what?"

I kept looking out in the water. Gazing across to see the Edge Water Casino all lighted up and colourful.

Flora: "We shouldn't see each other anymore."

I knew this line was going to come sooner or later. She was right, we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore. I had someone already. What ever were to happen, I wouldn't be left on my own. But Flora would. It must have been difficult for those words to come out. However, the way she probably thought of it was that it would be best to cut off now before she grows too attached.

It's a risk. Love is a risk. Feelings are risks. It's the decision of whether we take the risk to pursue what we feel that make a difference in everything that happens.

Anyways. Even though I had someone already, that line she spoke had my mind twirl uncontrollably. I'm sure we've all had this feeling before when someone tells you that "it's over", or "we can't see each other anymore", that it just makes you feel like you've lost a part of yourself. Sure it was only a few days that Flora and I began to come close, but it already felt devastating. This was when I knew my feelings has already grown to such an extent that it would be hard to let go.

Me: "Come on, let's keep walking."

She seemed a bit confused after I completely ignored what she said. We continued our way around Science World. The entire place was deserted. The stars hung nicely way up in the sky. Another perfect moment that I would remember.

Just around the bend of Science World, there was a little kids playground (or specifically a little play house). I smiled as I could feel my foolish inner child come to play.

Me: "OMG, follow me!"

I grabbed her hand like an excited 8 year old child and dragged her towards the playground.

Flora: "Uhhhhh.... What the fuck?"

I jumped inside the tiny little house. It barely had any room for me.

Me: "Well? Aren't you going to come in?"

Flora: "Ummm..."

Me: "OMG.. Just get inside."

She had that confused look of hers again. She slowly made her way into the house, squeezing through tiny opening, and we then sat on the little benches that were built inside. It was so cramped inside, definitely not made for our size. Flora started to laugh. She probably thought this was utterly ridiculous.

While she was still laughing, I surprised her with a kiss, followed by a hug. There wasn't anything extremely passionate. It was short, sweet, and simple. Sometimes it's just the simple things in life that can mean it all. We didn't let go of our hug until maybe a minute later. There was a different feeling this time, not in a bad way however. It was clear from this moment on that this wasn't just a "fling", or "infatuation". This was the feeling you get when you know you're ready to devote because this feeling right here was all you needed for survival.

But the devotion wouldn't be possible. Things weren't going to be simple.

When we finally unleashed our hug, I noticed her distant eyes. Something was troubling her even more. She stepped out of the house and started to walk back towards the sidewalk, to the outer edge beside the rails. The way she walked demonstrated how confused she was. Her head looking up to the sky, then back to looking in front of her. Her chest taking in air, when she sighs. She stopped at the rails and looked down at the water below.

I walked up to her and folded my arms ontop of the rails.

Me: "What are you thinking?"
Flora: "What are we doing?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

She began to walk again along the rails. I wasn't sure what she was feeling. At times before, I thought that this was just a game to her. She always showed a front that she didn't really care. But tonight, everything within showed. However, I wasn't sure whether she was confused about the feelings she had for me, or she just felt as though this was going to be hopeless.

She stopped walking again, this time it was near at a pier, where the sidewalked stretched out further over the water. I knew it was going to be difficult to have her come out with her feelings.

Me: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
Flora: "What are you talking about?"

This was definitely going to be more difficult than I thought. I was just going to roll in with questions.

Me: "Do you think someone can love another before getting to know them?"
Flora: "I don't know. Maybe."
Flora: "Actually, probably not."

Even though it may have been only about a month now, what we had was not ordinary.

Me: "Do you think you love me?"

Flora: "Ain't it a little obvious?"

I know what you all are thinking right now. That the word "I Love You" is being thrown around without meaning. That we probably didn't know the meaning of "love". But if you were in either of our position, and felt the feelings we did, you'd believe that this was real.

This moment would be the only time she would ever say, "I Love You", to me. As the story goes on, these three words would never come out of her mouth.

She asked me if I loved her too. I told her I did. I didn't have doubts about it.

Me: "But then again, maybe I don't really know what love is."
Me: "I mean, look at what I'm doing right now."

We were to make it an early night, as there was school the next day. We drove around downtown to find some ice cream place, but they were all closed. She then told me how she loved Häagen-Dazs Coffee & Almond Crunch ice cream bars, and that she once went around all of Richmond to find these bars, but none of the 7-11's had any. After her endeavour to find these bars, she found out that we could only buy these at Mac's Convenience Stores. So Davie St. we went, and she ate her ice cream while we went around Stanley Park and back to her house.

this picture's pretty random...

I came back home, and called Anita to tell her good night. She asked if I was okay, and how things were between my parents and I. I told her everything was fine, not to worry, and just go back to sleep. However she didn't want to get off the phone. I guess she missed me since we usually always talked on the phone until we both fall asleep, still remaining on the line.

That's how things went before. Even though we use to fight so much, we'd still talk on the phone and usually make up before we go sleep. After which, we'd be silent over the phone, hearing each other breathing, and felt that warm security which felt really good (that good feeling when you know everything would be alright). It was sort of funny, because I would usually wake up in the middle of the night, and I'd hear her snoring. Then I'd whisper, "Anita?... Anita??", then fall right back to sleep. And then when I wake up in the morning, my phone would disappear, and end up somewhere underneath me.

My phone receives a call waiting beep.

Flora was calling. How was this going to work?

Anita: "Are you getting a call?"

Me: "No.. My phone's just acting funny."

I played that entire scenario in my head. If I were to say yes, she'd start to wonder who that was, and then it was going to grow into something more.

Me: "Go back to sleep..."

I waited for her to fall back into her deep sleep. It was hard to tell if she was fully asleep. I stoodby for about 5 minutes, then hung up to call Flora back.

Flora: "Why didn't you pick up?"

Me: "Sorry. I had to get off the phone with Anita."

She understood.

Morning struck, and things were going to get a little more messed up. Tonight would be the night that Anita and Flora would meet. But till then, the day started with Anita meeting me at school for lunch. We strolled around the mall, stopped by the pet shop, went to Zellers, practically covered the entire mall. We held each other's hands all throughout our roaming. I didn't think too much of it, until we walked passed Garbo.

I knew she'd say something to Flora, but I had faith in Flora understanding.

I went back to school, and met up with Flora in the open lab. I told her that I saw her friend while I was with Anita, and she replied, "I know. She told me you guys were holding hands, and to just forget about you."

Her friends entered the area, and this discussion was over abruptly. Everyone asked me if I could tutor them for their computing science midterm, and we then arranged a lesson for the later evening. I didn't really want to tutor. Tutoring is what I hate doing most. But I figured that because Flora would benefit, and with keeping my word to Carolyn that I'd help Ringo for his first semester, I decided to go along with tutoring.

We all headed back home, and things were now going to be a little more complicated. I called Anita to let her know that I was teaching this evening, and she told me that she wanted to come along.

Anita: "I have homework to do anyways, I'll just sit there and do it. You won't notice me."

I thought it would be alright, figuring Flora was understanding with everything. Before I went back to SFU Surrey to tutor, I went to Flora's house since she ordered pizza with Elaine. We watched some TV, ate pizza, and I met Flora's mom. She was really sweet. She wasn't scary or intimidating. Much different than Anita's mom.

Flora went upstairs to shower, and it was only me and Elaine now.

Elaine: "Soooo.. Do you like Flora?"
Me: "Uhhh.. I don't know.."

Shit. This was going to be awkward. Why do girl's girlfriends always do this? From experience I realize that whatever you tell them, they will pass the information on to that girl.

Elaine: "You can tell me.. I won't say anything."

Right. So let's remember. Whatever I say, Flora will know. I wasn't going to do much with that, but in the future, I knew this would be a good way to communicate with Flora.

Elaine: "Okay. Who do you think is better looking? Anita or Flora?"

Elaine: "I think Flora's a lot better. You should go for her!"

I was really speechless. Elaine seems to be a really good friend to Flora. I could sort of see why they were so close. I didn't say much to her though. The less words I say, the safer.

Flora came back downstairs from her shower, and it was now time for me to go pick up Anita. I said my goodbyes, and they were going to leave 30 minutes later at SFU Surrey. I called Anita as I left Richmond for Surrey.

Me: "I'm so sorry for being late. I'm on my way right now."
Anita: "What kind of example are you setting the kids?"

That was weird. Here I am at the age of 20, seeing a "kid" at the age of 18. I didn't realize that. A few months ago, Anita and I would give lectures to Paul for hitting on underaged "illegal" girls. I'm a hypocrite.

Me: "I'll be there soon."

I drove 150 km/h along the highway to Anita's house. That may not seem too fast for you, but in a Toyota Tercel, that's already maxed out!

So I picked Anita up, and we went to the campus. Everyone else was late as well, so I was sort of lucky. We all met in the front area, and I introduced Anita.

Anita: "Hi Guys!"

She's always in a cheery mood in front of public. Ringo started talking to Anita, and they went off cracking jokes. By the way, Anita and Ringo have known each other since they were little kids. Anita and Carolyn, Ringo's older sister, are practically best friends. They both taught at Oakridge Music Studio for several years now, and they see each other every week.

We got into the classroom and I started teaching. Anita sat down on a table herself to the side, to make sure she didn't interrupt anyone. Flora and Elaine sat together at the back. I looked over to Flora and Elaine and noticed they were chit chatting. I glanced over to Anita and she was just doing her homework, and would from time to time look at me and smile.

Anita was really oblivious to everything that was going on. I could tell that Flora and Elaine were talking about her, as they'd peak over to her side every once in a while. I never realized how standing in front of the class teaching gives you so much view of everything that's going on around the classroom. Ringo sat there attentively, always asking questions. Song was in the front looking at the projected screen with his mouth open completely confused. Garbo was in the front as well, but paid full attention and jotted down notes.

I tried to make the tutorial interactive and had everyone participate by grilling them with questions. Again, noticing that Flora and Elaine weren't paying attention, I asked Flora for the answer to a question.

Me: "Flora! So what's the answer??"

Flora: "I don't know."

She looked like she was about to cry, but I wasn't too sure why.

Song: "Flora, are you okay?"

Everyone grew silent.

Ringo answered the question and the noise came back. We continued with the lesson, and Flora left the room for a bit. When she came back, I gave everyone a quiz, and everyone sat focussed on their paper. I walked over to Anita and we began chatting quietly.

Anita: "Those two students in the back aren't paying any attention."

Me: "Oh really..."

Anita: "Yeah. You should get them on track."

As we continued talking about random crap, I saw Flora dazing off in the corner of my eye. I walked away from Anita, towards Flora.

Me: "Is everything alright? Do you understand it?"

Flora sat their silent.

Me: "Here, what part don't you get?"

Flora: "It's okay. Just keep walking around."

I got the point. I went around to check up on everyone. Flora then got out of her seat, and left the room. Elaine followed her right after.

I walked out the room to find out what was going on.

Me: "What's going on?"

Elaine: "Nothing. Flora just went to the washroom."

Me: "Oh. Okay. Is everything alright?"

Elaine: "... she's crying."

This was a lot for her to handle. I pushed the limits. Did I really think putting Anita and Flora in the same room would go smoothly?

Me: "Should I go talk to her?"
Elaine: "Just give her some time."

Me: "Alright."

I went back inside, and sat at my desk. I stayed clear from Anita. I stayed clear from everyone. This was the first time I made Flora cry.

Flora walked back inside and sat down. I looked at her eyes and they were puffed. But she acted as though nothing happened. I called the quiz in, and marked it all really quickly. Everyone got their results in a few minutes and we touched up on a few things, however this time I avoided directing questions to Flora.

Everyone's exam was tomorrow, and people became antsy over it. We arranged another tutorial for the morning before the exam, and we began to make our way out. Everyone jumped in Flora's car, and Anita went in mine, as we drove separate ways.

My phone rings. Ringo's calling.

Me: "Hello?"

Ringo: "Hey. We're kind of lost."

In the background:
Flora: "Don't ask him. We'll ask someone else."

Ringo: "No."

Me: "Where are you guys? I'll guide you guys out."

I turned the car around, and searched for them. Surrey streets get messed up when you're on that "Old Yale Rd". We met up, and I led them out of Surrey to the highway back to Vancouver.

We now parted, as I went separate ways to get bubble tea with Anita before going home.

Anita: "I don't like those girls."

Me: "Uhh... Why?"

Anita: "They didn't even say hi to me."

Of course they wouldn't say hi to you. But you wouldn't have known why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the both of you.

We got bubble tea at Pearl Fever, and I brought her home. She wanted me to come inside, but I told her it wouldn't be a good idea because it was so late and I didn't want her to get in trouble with her parents. She always said that she didn't care, but I did.

We kissed good bye, and I drove back to Vancouver. This time I was going speed limit, just coasting down the highway. I wasn't sure if Flora got home yet, since she had to drive everyone home. I did a lot of thinking. I thought about this entire situation. Flora crying really hit me. I never expected that.

I really had to talk to Flora about this. But it couldn't be over the phone. I drove to 49th and Oak St. to Mac's Convenience Store to get Flora a Häagen-Dazs. I was out of luck. They were all sold out. I drove to Cambie and King Edward St. to get it from there, but that one was torn down. I then drove to Davie St. in downtown to get her that ice cream bar.

Me: "Where's your ice cream?"

Service: "Over there..."

I opened the freezer, and grabbed an entire box. There was only 3 left, but I took it all anyways. I knew Flora loved these. I wanted to get her an entire box full so she could enjoy it for the entire week.

I then went to the floral shop but they were all closed down. So I drove to this house that I use to pick flowers from and cut a short stem red rose. I then made my way to Richmond to Flora's house. I was on the phone with Flora as she waited for me to come over.

Flora: "What are you doing? Are you getting me ice cream?"

What the fuck! How the fuck did she know that...? That totally ruins the surprise. Atleast she didn't know about the rose.

Later you'll see how Flora always ruins my surprises. Her excuse is that my surprises aren't surprising enough for her to be surprised. Interesting.

I called her again when I got to her house and ran up the door steps. I hid the flower behind me, and gave her the box of ice cream.

Flora: "Uhhh... Thank you?"

She had that confused look of hers again.

Flora: "Why are you doing this?"

She turned around to put the ice cream back into the house, and I brought forward the rose.

She turned back around.

Flora: "Why'd you get me a rose?"

I shrugged. She grabbed it and put it into the house. She came out of her house and closed the door.

Flora: "Let's go for a walk instead."

We walked a really short walk to the front of her clubhouse. It was drizzling rain as we kept covered under the small roof ledge.

Me: "I'm sorry."

Flora: "Sorry for what?"

I remained silent. I wasn't quite sure what to say.

Flora: "Don't say sorry if you don't know what to be sorry about."

A slight pause.

Me: "What were crying about earlier?"

Flora: "... I really don't know."

Me: "What's wrong?"

Flora: "Jean. What is this? What are we doing?"

Me: "I need some time to figure this out. I don't want to hurt Anita."

Flora: "Why don't we just forget about this. Just go back to Anita."

Me: "No. I can't do that."

Flora: "You're never going to leave Anita. Atleast not now."

Me: "Give me some time. I know I want to be with you. I just need time to break it off with Anita."

This was starting to become pretty similiar to those kind of cheating movies. The truth is, I didn't really know what I wanted. I didn't want to leave Anita, because I knew it would devastate her. Should I leave behind everything that was built so far with Anita? I know her position. I know how she would feel. I too was cheated on. I too had someone leave me. I always told Anita that we could work anything out, that there's really no such thing as a problem, as it's just a creation in our minds. I've always said that if we communicated properly, we can pull through anything.

Look at me now. I'm in a position where I have to choose between the secure relationship I have, or a new beginning in which feelings have more play into it. I wasn't really happy with my current relationship, but I was terrified to jump into a new one.

We walked back to my car, and we went for a quick cruise around Stanley Park. While we gazed out upon the waters looking at the downtown lights, Flora asked me something that had me realize where I stood with her.

Flora: "Would you come back after me if I left you to deal with Anita?"

I knew where she was getting at. It hit me right here. This was the perfect situation to let go and settle things with Anita first.

Me: "Of course I would."

Flora: "You know, I'd be a bitch and pretend I didn't want you back."

Me: "I'd win your heart all over again. I wouldn't give up."

However, today wouldn't be the day we went forward with parting. Neither would tomorrow, nor the week after. There was something that held us together. Even though we knew that if we parted we would come back to where we left off, we didn't want to take that risk.

"try smiling when you kiss"

I've now begun to feel numb. All the lying and hiding had me getting use to, and it was now something a part of me. I've now turned into a compulsive liar, and soon I would turn into a pathological liar.

"A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable, while lying feels right."

Things were beginning to fall now. My feelings bounced around. We spent every night together and I would lie to Anita through all those nights.

Anita would believe every word I spoke. Is this what loves does to someone? Blind them from reality? A few of her friends would tell her that I've been seeing Flora, however she wouldn't believe them. She would lie to herself that I was a good man.

Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies.

As time went by, I became confused about my feelings. I was so caught up in my own lies, that I began to live them. Things seemed to grow stronger with Flora and I, until I started to learn her past. At first, her past didn't bother me much, but as time grew, it would begin to eat me up. I'd find myself asking her for details, names, dates. I didn't (or don't) understand why it bothered me so much. I didn't care at first. It didn't matter much to me. I really didn't give a shit. But why did it now? Could it be because I loved her? Does that make any sense?

Ever just sit there silently and think? Then you'd think more and more, until eventually you'd get upset. You create scenarios in your mind. Stories in your head. You'd visualize the events. Ever lie there on your bed, frustrated, with those little kinks in your feet that you just have to kick out? Always having to change your position, rolling, twisting. Then you stare at the ceiling, just wondering what happened?

What was wrong with me? Why was I so messed up? I felt heartbroken, though I really had no right to.

It was now weekend. Weekends were usually spent with Anita and that wouldn't change today. I would continue to screw up, as I ended the day having sex with Anita. The day started with bussing Flora back home from my house, as she stayed over last night. I wasn't there to escort Anita to work that morning, and that escorting "service" would stop completely from this moment. As I was bussing Flora back home from Vancouver to Richmond, Anita calls and tells me she got off work early. This was now a complete mess. There's no way I could make it to Anita on time. I didn't bus Flora all the way back. I bussed down to Richmond with her, but had to leave her somewhere along No. 3 Road. I got to Anita in about half an hour after she got off. She was extremely furious. And there's how the day would begin.

Me: "Ummm... I'm sorry I'm late."

Silence...

Anita was really good at that. She always gave me the silent treatment. We waited in front of Oakridge for the bus to go back to her house. In about 5 minutes, the bus comes and I got up from sitting on the stairs.

Me: "Come on, the bus is here!"

Anita just remained silent and sat there.

Me: "What are you doing? The bus is here... Lets go!"

Still, she didn't respond. She just stared at me blankly and blinked. Fuck, I hated that so much. I hated when she did that. It was so annoying.

Me: "Fine. We'll just sit here."

The bus takes off. I couldn't believe this woman. Whatever, let her have her way, that's what I've learned. We sat there for another 10 minutes as people started to crowd the bus stop once again. Another bus finally arrived.

Me: "Okay. The bus is here."

I got up and tried to save the line for Anita. Again, she just sat there on the stairs.

Me: "Come on, lets go."

She stared at me blankly again. I was so frustrated, I wanted to yell. But I couldn't because we were in public.

Me: "Anita, come on, or else we'll have to wait again."

The bus closed the door and took off.

My Thoughts: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Another 10 minutes go by and another bus comes. This time there was no way she would just sit there and watch it go. I sat there waiting for her to get up. She didn't. She just sat there staring off into space, and again we missed the bus. That was 3 buses we missed so far. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with her?

Another 10 minutes gone by, and we watched another bus leave. Now I started to yell.

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK!!?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!???"

I calmed down, and sat back down. Another bus came by after another 10 minutes wasted. This time she got up and got on the bus. I followed her, and we sat in the back one seat between us. She sat by the window as I sat in the middle with an old chinese guy on my left.

After a good 15 minutes of silence on the bus, the old chinese man began to fall asleep. He slowly leaned inch by inch to his right. I slowly leaned inch by inch to my right to avoid him. Inch by inch, I finally had to nudge Anita. She turned and had this extremely cold look at me, and then she noticed the sleeping chinese man, and started to laugh.

I sat on the seat beside her and finally got away from that old man. We both just looked at each other and laughed.

We arrived at her house after a near 2 hour travel. Nobody was home today. We turned on the TV, made some Kraft Dinner maccaroni, followed by lots of ice cream! Anita loved Family Guy. I wasn't really into it, yet. I mean, a football head baby? I just wanted to kick the football. But oddly enough, later down the road, I'd learn to love the Family Guy.

Things were so different with Anita. It felt like home. When I'm with Flora, it's like a rush... A rush of excitement and passion. But with Anita, it was by far different. Entirely opposite. I'd get this wholesome feeling, and everything would be so pleasantly painted. Like vanilla skies.

It started to get late, and her parents were bound to come home soon. We went upstairs to her room. I held her, closed my eyes, and our foreheads touched. I opened my eyes, and there she was looking up at me. Her chin lifted, and kissing turned into sex.

We were interrupted abruptly as her parents came back home. We quickly got dressed, and Anita would take her Corolla to drive me back home. I was alright with her just dropping me off the nearest skytrain, but she always insisted on driving me to Metrotown Station, or all the way back home. She would drive me back home this time, remembering to fill some gas for her to ensure her parents didn't know how much she drove.

I was now really confused.

At home, I sat thinking about this entire situation again. However this seldom time would be very limited as Flora was already making her way to my place. What was I to do now? I just keep getting myself in more difficult sitations. I'm already lying to Anita, must I lie to Flora as well now?

Flora arrived at my place, and she seemed ecstatic to see me. She was so happy. She had a huge smile on her face, and portrayed her excitement with hugs and kisses. We were in my room, and she pushed me to the floor and jumped on top of me.

As she started to unbutton my shirt, I closed my eyes and stopped her.

I felt so bad, she had no idea what had just happened. How was I to start explaining.

Me: "I don't want to lie to you. I want to be honest with you about everything."

Me: "I've never had a relationship where I'd be completely honest, and that's what I want with us."

Flora: "Okay..."

She just looked deep into my eyes. She was expecting something terrible to come out of my mouth, and she prepared herself. This was so hard to do, but I knew I had to. If I were to hide everything from Flora now, I'd be officially living a double life. But that's not what I wanted. I couldn't do that to her. She deserved to know.

Me: "I had sex today."

sigh...

Her heart sank. She fell back, and sat on the ground. She was speechless. She looked like she was about to cry, but she held it all in.

Me: "I'm sorry."

I sat there in front of her, and took her hands. She just stared blankly at the ground. I didn't know what to do. Should I hug her? She got up, and she started to gather her things. I grabbed her and held her in my arms.

Me: "Don't... Please don't."

I held her tigher, and she let go of her resistance. From this moment on, I knew things would be different. Nothing would be the same again and as time went by, things would become more choatic and stressful.

It was now October 22nd, 2005. Paul decided to have his birthday party today. Today was also my 6th monthiversary with Anita. Anita didn't want to go to Paul's birthday, as she wanted to spend time alone for our monthiversary. However I convinced her that we could push that for another day, and we made our plans for Paul.

Paul's birthday was a fun filled night of fantastic food and Truth or Dare Jenga. There was a total of 2 people drinking out of the 15-20 that came out, one of them of course being Alex, since he's hardcore that way, and the other being the birthday boy.

I'd have to say the most memorable event was the Truth or Dare Jenga. It included people spinning around, blowing raspberries, and blowing in people's ears (unfortunately I was the victim of Paul's).

So Paul pulls out a Dare Jenga which states to blow in anyone's ear. I'm sitting far far far away from him. There's tons of girls all around, but he decides to get up and walk towards me, and blow in my fucking ear?

Seriously though. What the fuck. Why me? ... But I'd have to admit, that made the night quite memorable, although it gave me shivers all over. I think I might be homophobic.

The night finished with Anita having to leave early, and me bumming a ride home with Ken.

The following day was to be our make-up day for our missed anniversary. A lot of shit were to happen this day. I spent the day at Anita's house because she wasn't allowed out. There we were in her room, until my phone began to rang with Flora's name flashed across the caller id screen.

Anita: "Why is this Flora chick calling you?"

I picked up the phone and walked out the room. I knew it must have been important, since Flora knew that I'd be the one calling her.

Flora: "Where are you?"

Me: "I'm with Anita right now. What's wrong?"

Flora: "Can you leave? Can I see you right now?"

Me: "I can't, I didn't drive, I'm in the middle of Surrey."

Flora: "Aren't there buses? I need to see you."

Me: "What's wrong? What happened?"

Anita: "Why the fuck is she calling you? Tell her to call her own boyfriend."

I walked further away.

To be continued...

Things are going to get a little fucked up from here.

I'm not here to bring anyone, but myself, down.

Dates: September 27th 2005 (the beginning) - July 4th 2006 (the end).